Well now I have been feeling like shit for days. My breasts are extra sore. My tummy area hurts heaps oh and I have been heavily spotting for the past 2 days. Here comes the red witch. Wish she would just hurry up. Guess the half arsed attempt to take clomid this month didn't work. I knew it wouldn't when the hsg didn't work.
I have decided for now not to have the surgery dye test. The whole process will be too emotionally exhausting.
Nothing now for me but to wait till Dec 2010 for IVF. I reread the letter they sent me and I think now that we will get one attempt with fresh stuff, then use up all the frozens if need be. This is considered a 'package'. Then possibly after another wait of which I have no idea of the duration, apply for second free 'package'. We should be eligible the letter indicates, unless something has occured in that time like I turn 40 or respond poorly to drugs. I guess this is better than I thought .
Whats not better as they do single egg transfers. At least with the clomid I toyed with the possibility of twins (like SIL just had). We always imagined at least a boy and girl. I know I am supposed to be happy for just one, but I know C REALLY wants a boy. And I REALLY want a girl. Always have, always will.
24 October 2009
22 October 2009
SIL had more trouble with the babies then I mentioned in the last post. Now that she and BIL have sent the longest email to all detailing it (full of photos) I thought safe to blog about it. By the way, what is with the all too popular photos of babies on mums bare chest? My friend posted one on facebook in the shower like that and I could see nipple! To me I don't go awww that looks so natural, I go oh please, cover up! I don't want to be looking at a photo I know you are half naked in and the point is to stare at the baby on your half naked part. Probably starting a whole new debate here but I just don't like it.
Back to story... one baby basically stared scratching its way out rupturing membrane or something about 6wks early. SIL then had to have a epidural and her pink bits cut, so she could easily deliver the natural way as they were too little to push themselves out. Then they were all flown to a bigger hospital as their were fears for the boys health,where the babies were treated for jaundice and the parents stayed in a special house for parents across the road, well for the few minutes they weren't at the hospital giving cares(nappy changes and popping breast milk into a tube) and of course SIL milking herself every few hours. Over a week later they were flown back to their hometown and SIL then had to have a operation due to horrible pain, infection because a swab was left inside her during the birth. The nurse had kept telling her nothing was wrong. Nice huh. Now the babies have other few weeks in hospital and the parents will be making endless trips there each day.
And we thought the hard part was getting pregnant huh?
While they were in the bigger hospital they got talking to another couple there. They had just had triplet girls. Turns out she is mid 40s and they had tried 5 times through IVF to get pregnant. Finally they went to her home country in Columbia and spent another small fortune for one IVF and wallah, the triplets. I don't know why I am sharing this. Maybe the point is perseverance may be the key to having a baby. Maybe thousands and thousands of dollars is the key to having a baby. OR maybe we all should just bugger off to Columbia. And here was I thinking Columbia was just all about the illegal drugs.
Back to story... one baby basically stared scratching its way out rupturing membrane or something about 6wks early. SIL then had to have a epidural and her pink bits cut, so she could easily deliver the natural way as they were too little to push themselves out. Then they were all flown to a bigger hospital as their were fears for the boys health,where the babies were treated for jaundice and the parents stayed in a special house for parents across the road, well for the few minutes they weren't at the hospital giving cares(nappy changes and popping breast milk into a tube) and of course SIL milking herself every few hours. Over a week later they were flown back to their hometown and SIL then had to have a operation due to horrible pain, infection because a swab was left inside her during the birth. The nurse had kept telling her nothing was wrong. Nice huh. Now the babies have other few weeks in hospital and the parents will be making endless trips there each day.
And we thought the hard part was getting pregnant huh?
While they were in the bigger hospital they got talking to another couple there. They had just had triplet girls. Turns out she is mid 40s and they had tried 5 times through IVF to get pregnant. Finally they went to her home country in Columbia and spent another small fortune for one IVF and wallah, the triplets. I don't know why I am sharing this. Maybe the point is perseverance may be the key to having a baby. Maybe thousands and thousands of dollars is the key to having a baby. OR maybe we all should just bugger off to Columbia. And here was I thinking Columbia was just all about the illegal drugs.
15 October 2009
Well....
Well turns out that just going under for a HSG is not as easy as it seems. First of all, the radiotherapy facilities do not accommodate for general anaesthetics. So I will have to go back to my specialists (silly me I actually had said goodbye to the receptionist and asked for my final account bill) for a appointment to discuss how we can do this. I think it is at a private hospital I guess the public one wont do it. She would preform another lap procedure and a dye test (like a hsg but without the xray, just watch the dye come out). I have private insurance but last time I had a lap done there I fought tooth and nail to finally get approval as they don't cover infertility treatments I don't have the strength to do that all over again and I don't know if I will get approval. Apparently they will just invoice for the lap not the dye to get around that part of it (shhh should I even be sharing that)? but I still don't think it is gonna work.
You know what? I'm tired and cant be bothered with all of this. Do I really need it done??IVF is only around the corner anyway, Dec is almost here....oh that's right I am booked in for NEXT Dec....2010....hmph.
In other news my SIL had twins last week. We went down to visit and saw them in a prem ward. I handled myself quite well, no crying, screaming, running from the room yelling why.?..why...? why....? After all they were prem and all was not idyllic so I couldn't be such a bitter jealous infertile when the family was feeling a little distressed. But I did draw the line in the sand at touching them. That would have started the waterworks for sure, last thing they needed.
The upside is SIL and BIL have a awesome house and I love looking around it for decorating ideas. Of course that did mean that I had to pretend the room I was sleeping in didn't have a giant cot at the end of it and I hadn't just been shown around a separate nursery room stocked to the ceiling with nappies.
I even made them up a cool basket full of baby stuff including bibs I bought back from overseas that say 'I love Boobies' and 'Mother Sucker', without having a meltdown, and started thinking about what I will put into my friends basket that is due in December.
To finish off, I just read this little pearl on my sidebar of useless information.....infertile married woman couldn't even get a break in ancient times, good to know nothing has changed!
Married women were forbidden by law to watch, let alone compete, in the ancient Olympics. The Greeks believed that the presence of wives in Olympia would defile Greece’s oldest religious shrine, which was located there. However, young maidens were allowed to attend. Any married woman who dared break the rule was thrown from a nearby cliff to her death. Ironically, the shrine that was off-limits to married women was dedicated to a woman, the fertility goddess Rhea, who was mother of the supreme god, Zeus
You know what? I'm tired and cant be bothered with all of this. Do I really need it done??IVF is only around the corner anyway, Dec is almost here....oh that's right I am booked in for NEXT Dec....2010....hmph.
In other news my SIL had twins last week. We went down to visit and saw them in a prem ward. I handled myself quite well, no crying, screaming, running from the room yelling why.?..why...? why....? After all they were prem and all was not idyllic so I couldn't be such a bitter jealous infertile when the family was feeling a little distressed. But I did draw the line in the sand at touching them. That would have started the waterworks for sure, last thing they needed.
The upside is SIL and BIL have a awesome house and I love looking around it for decorating ideas. Of course that did mean that I had to pretend the room I was sleeping in didn't have a giant cot at the end of it and I hadn't just been shown around a separate nursery room stocked to the ceiling with nappies.
I even made them up a cool basket full of baby stuff including bibs I bought back from overseas that say 'I love Boobies' and 'Mother Sucker', without having a meltdown, and started thinking about what I will put into my friends basket that is due in December.
To finish off, I just read this little pearl on my sidebar of useless information.....infertile married woman couldn't even get a break in ancient times, good to know nothing has changed!
Married women were forbidden by law to watch, let alone compete, in the ancient Olympics. The Greeks believed that the presence of wives in Olympia would defile Greece’s oldest religious shrine, which was located there. However, young maidens were allowed to attend. Any married woman who dared break the rule was thrown from a nearby cliff to her death. Ironically, the shrine that was off-limits to married women was dedicated to a woman, the fertility goddess Rhea, who was mother of the supreme god, Zeus
03 October 2009
The one with the HSG
Rise early and shower to ensure all pink bits are primed and ready........check
Cook breakfast and eat it with several glasses of bubbly.........check
Take pain relief, 2 Gastrosoothe and 2 Neurophen tablets.......check
Have a good cry before I leave because I am a emotional wreck........check
I arrived to my appointment and checked myself in with a lovely receptionist. She was however clueless as to all types of procedures preformed at this clinic, she actually asked me what a HSG was. When I told her she said "Oh, well I wouldn't expect that to be too painful?" I informed her she was way too hopeful and I had already had some wine. To which she said "Well dear, I don't blame you, I would have brought the bottle in". At least we both laughed. I then asked for the loo and remembered to take off my belly stud (I had read it can interfere with the readings).
Not long after that Straightforward Nurse (I am going to do my job in a determined, professional way while still trying to apperar compassionate yet robitic') introduced herself and started ushering me up the hallway. C just sat there, as I had told him he probably wasn't allowed to come in the room with the radiation. Straight forward Nurse said he could come in and then actually insisted he did. She went over to him and told him I need him there for support and his job was to hold my hand! It was all a bit funny really.
I was directed into a room the size of a skinny broom closet, asked to remove all my clothing and put on the worlds sexiest hospital nightgown. I asked Straightforward Nurse where the loo was as I always go just before internals and she looked a unimpressed. I think because she should have offered herself and forgot. After the loo (where I used a special hygiene wipe to clean myself fearing I might accidentally have left pieces of toilet paper stuck to my bits) I went back in the broom closet. I put on the gown and was shown straight into the surgical room. I sat on the bed and was asked some basic questions about my identity. C was given a body and neck apron to put on and then told again to hold my hand. I lay on the bed and got into position, the whole time with a huge blanket over my lower half. The radiographer was in a separate room and did not have direct viewpoint of my bits and and also was also a woman.
The nurse fluffed around with side pillows and stuff while I was waiting for the Dr. I told her I had a history of pain in that area and was very nervous and that I had taken some 'pain relief' already. She was like 'wine? this morning?! and looked all disapproving at me. She instructed me to do some deep breathing practice and then rattled on something about am I the mover in the house, do I do the lawns and housework while C sits on the couch being a potato. I said "
No, not really" then she prattled on again about us to think of it as me being the gatherer of the eggs and him being the storer of the sperm while we each do our roles with the lawnmower and couch. It was a WTF moment and I was glad I had a wine buzz on cause I just tuned her voice out for a bit and tried to breathe. By this time not only was I sick of Straightforward Nurse I was sick of C holding my hand( I didn't really want him to in the first place, just the nurse seemed so bloody keen on the idea) that I let it go and instead watched the paper crafted hanging butterfly by the door jiggle spasmodically.
Finally the Dr came in. Again a woman. Again one with a thick accent. I reminded her of my pain threshold. I was asked to put my bend my knees and put my ankles together then drop them down. Straightforward Nurse got told to remove the silly pillows she popped in so that I could go down further. She adjusted the blanket so I am guessing only the absolute necessary was hanging out. Straightforward Nurse peered intently and shone her penlight on the area. Then she slapped on the coldest, thickest gel in the world and kinda pushed it in there a bit. Next the cold speculum to which I heard Straightforward Nurse whine "I warmed it up" when she saw my shudder. Then in goes the tube and in the next 45 minutes another speculum and tube and then another. I actually heard the words "larger speculum please". By this stage I had long grabbed Cs bloody hand and had tears in my eyes. C did well trying to distract me by talking about other stuff. I knew he was holding back though, he was dying to crack a joke about the speculum size saying he had stretched me with his great manhood. There was many, many blanket adjustments as the radiographer said she just couldn't get a picture. I even was asked to lift my butt and hold the position 3 times for about a year each time while they tried.
To describe the pain and bear in mind this is after I had taken Neurophen which I take for strong period pain and Gaatrosoothe is intended for cramps and wine as a muscle relaxant, it was like constant uncomfortable pinching, turning, poking pressure on my insides. It was probably about the same as the time I had a internal exam to see if my last pregnancy was viable. They took ages and moved the wand all around trying to pinpoint the ectopic. I have had worse pain but this was no walk in the park I can tell you. I squirmed a bit, teared up and grimaced. I think it was the longevity of it all, the frustration of how long it was taking, the uncomfortableness of the situation. It truly felt a little psychologically scarring. This was not anybodys fault though, I must add the nurse and Dr were professional and compasionate and imformative. I think I had imagined that if I was ever in this kind of position for this long, with C holding my hand and Drs down the other end, it would be to deliver a baby, not to have the world laugh mockingly at my inability to have one.
It was finally decided that this test wasn't going to work. Possibly because of a prior operation (a loop excision to scrape pre cancerous cells) the scar tissue had blocked the opening making it too difficult for the tube to get in. The same operation that I blame for my pain actually, the trauma to the area is what I think started my conditon. Cool, so maybe this is yet another reason why the sperm can't meet the egg, I'll just get out my notepad and add that to the list as long as my arm. The Dr explained that we could get my specialist in to dilate the area but it is very painful and with my condition she would recommend we do this under a general. She was to contact my specialist with her findings and I am to contact her later. I was also told to watch out for infection with all the disruption to the area it could happen. She also questioned if I really needed to have this done as I have been pregnant before and I had to explain the whole ectopic and necessary if I do a iui bit.
I was offered a shower but declined and put my clothes and the pad they gave me on. Luckily there was no bleeding. I think I was still a bit shaken as I went out and got some water from the cooler in reception and spilled the whole cup on the floor. The lovely receptionist offered to clean it and just told C to take me home.
I'm okay now. Just wishing that the test had worked and wasn't just another medical thing to drag on before I get some answers.
Cook breakfast and eat it with several glasses of bubbly.........check
Take pain relief, 2 Gastrosoothe and 2 Neurophen tablets.......check
Have a good cry before I leave because I am a emotional wreck........check
I arrived to my appointment and checked myself in with a lovely receptionist. She was however clueless as to all types of procedures preformed at this clinic, she actually asked me what a HSG was. When I told her she said "Oh, well I wouldn't expect that to be too painful?" I informed her she was way too hopeful and I had already had some wine. To which she said "Well dear, I don't blame you, I would have brought the bottle in". At least we both laughed. I then asked for the loo and remembered to take off my belly stud (I had read it can interfere with the readings).
Not long after that Straightforward Nurse (I am going to do my job in a determined, professional way while still trying to apperar compassionate yet robitic') introduced herself and started ushering me up the hallway. C just sat there, as I had told him he probably wasn't allowed to come in the room with the radiation. Straight forward Nurse said he could come in and then actually insisted he did. She went over to him and told him I need him there for support and his job was to hold my hand! It was all a bit funny really.
I was directed into a room the size of a skinny broom closet, asked to remove all my clothing and put on the worlds sexiest hospital nightgown. I asked Straightforward Nurse where the loo was as I always go just before internals and she looked a unimpressed. I think because she should have offered herself and forgot. After the loo (where I used a special hygiene wipe to clean myself fearing I might accidentally have left pieces of toilet paper stuck to my bits) I went back in the broom closet. I put on the gown and was shown straight into the surgical room. I sat on the bed and was asked some basic questions about my identity. C was given a body and neck apron to put on and then told again to hold my hand. I lay on the bed and got into position, the whole time with a huge blanket over my lower half. The radiographer was in a separate room and did not have direct viewpoint of my bits and and also was also a woman.
The nurse fluffed around with side pillows and stuff while I was waiting for the Dr. I told her I had a history of pain in that area and was very nervous and that I had taken some 'pain relief' already. She was like 'wine? this morning?! and looked all disapproving at me. She instructed me to do some deep breathing practice and then rattled on something about am I the mover in the house, do I do the lawns and housework while C sits on the couch being a potato. I said "
No, not really" then she prattled on again about us to think of it as me being the gatherer of the eggs and him being the storer of the sperm while we each do our roles with the lawnmower and couch. It was a WTF moment and I was glad I had a wine buzz on cause I just tuned her voice out for a bit and tried to breathe. By this time not only was I sick of Straightforward Nurse I was sick of C holding my hand( I didn't really want him to in the first place, just the nurse seemed so bloody keen on the idea) that I let it go and instead watched the paper crafted hanging butterfly by the door jiggle spasmodically.
Finally the Dr came in. Again a woman. Again one with a thick accent. I reminded her of my pain threshold. I was asked to put my bend my knees and put my ankles together then drop them down. Straightforward Nurse got told to remove the silly pillows she popped in so that I could go down further. She adjusted the blanket so I am guessing only the absolute necessary was hanging out. Straightforward Nurse peered intently and shone her penlight on the area. Then she slapped on the coldest, thickest gel in the world and kinda pushed it in there a bit. Next the cold speculum to which I heard Straightforward Nurse whine "I warmed it up" when she saw my shudder. Then in goes the tube and in the next 45 minutes another speculum and tube and then another. I actually heard the words "larger speculum please". By this stage I had long grabbed Cs bloody hand and had tears in my eyes. C did well trying to distract me by talking about other stuff. I knew he was holding back though, he was dying to crack a joke about the speculum size saying he had stretched me with his great manhood. There was many, many blanket adjustments as the radiographer said she just couldn't get a picture. I even was asked to lift my butt and hold the position 3 times for about a year each time while they tried.
To describe the pain and bear in mind this is after I had taken Neurophen which I take for strong period pain and Gaatrosoothe is intended for cramps and wine as a muscle relaxant, it was like constant uncomfortable pinching, turning, poking pressure on my insides. It was probably about the same as the time I had a internal exam to see if my last pregnancy was viable. They took ages and moved the wand all around trying to pinpoint the ectopic. I have had worse pain but this was no walk in the park I can tell you. I squirmed a bit, teared up and grimaced. I think it was the longevity of it all, the frustration of how long it was taking, the uncomfortableness of the situation. It truly felt a little psychologically scarring. This was not anybodys fault though, I must add the nurse and Dr were professional and compasionate and imformative. I think I had imagined that if I was ever in this kind of position for this long, with C holding my hand and Drs down the other end, it would be to deliver a baby, not to have the world laugh mockingly at my inability to have one.
It was finally decided that this test wasn't going to work. Possibly because of a prior operation (a loop excision to scrape pre cancerous cells) the scar tissue had blocked the opening making it too difficult for the tube to get in. The same operation that I blame for my pain actually, the trauma to the area is what I think started my conditon. Cool, so maybe this is yet another reason why the sperm can't meet the egg, I'll just get out my notepad and add that to the list as long as my arm. The Dr explained that we could get my specialist in to dilate the area but it is very painful and with my condition she would recommend we do this under a general. She was to contact my specialist with her findings and I am to contact her later. I was also told to watch out for infection with all the disruption to the area it could happen. She also questioned if I really needed to have this done as I have been pregnant before and I had to explain the whole ectopic and necessary if I do a iui bit.
I was offered a shower but declined and put my clothes and the pad they gave me on. Luckily there was no bleeding. I think I was still a bit shaken as I went out and got some water from the cooler in reception and spilled the whole cup on the floor. The lovely receptionist offered to clean it and just told C to take me home.
I'm okay now. Just wishing that the test had worked and wasn't just another medical thing to drag on before I get some answers.
27 September 2009
Quickly
Quickly peeking my head into blog world for a quick update and catch up on all the goings ons.
I have a HSG booked in for 5 days time.
I have their permission to use alcohol as pain relief, so champagne breakfast it will be
I am going to start today (day 5) on phenate (clomid), unmonitored (not telling dr, just you), hoping that with the HSG and the ovulation drugs and preseed we get lucky and don't have to wait till Dec 2010 for IVF.
My period this time was almost pain free. WTF?
I have a HSG booked in for 5 days time.
I have their permission to use alcohol as pain relief, so champagne breakfast it will be
I am going to start today (day 5) on phenate (clomid), unmonitored (not telling dr, just you), hoping that with the HSG and the ovulation drugs and preseed we get lucky and don't have to wait till Dec 2010 for IVF.
My period this time was almost pain free. WTF?
07 September 2009
The wait
I got a letter from the clinic today. I am officially on the government funded IVF wait. I am booked in for December 2010. Not even a year like promised, a year and 4 months. By that stage we would have been "trying" for 4 1/2 years. Oh course it had been in my plans to have a family a few years before that. I am a week of turning 32. So most likely I won't be a mum till I am 34, if at all. And C will be 46. Yea I'm feeling pretty low about all this. I probably will discontinue this blog soon. Too hard to watch others get pregnant when I am sitting on a long waiting list doing nothing. Waiting is all that we do these days so I don't know why I am so bad at it.
05 September 2009
We have agreed upon a plan
The timing was right. C had just bought a new ute and was all giddy with pride as he took me for a ride. If the vehicle you drive is an extension of yourself then this turbo ute with great power and handling makes C feel like superman. We had a lovely discussion about our fertility plan. It was brief, simple and we both agreed straightaway on everything.
I am going to take a round of fertility drugs (stashed in my drawer from last perscription)maybe next month
I am going to then have the hsg
We are going to hump and hope...........if it doesn't work then
We will have 2 IVFs starting August 2010
There will be no other specialist attempts to get pregnant. Of course having unprotected sex doesn't count because we all know that doesn't work anyway.
I am going to take a round of fertility drugs (stashed in my drawer from last perscription)maybe next month
I am going to then have the hsg
We are going to hump and hope...........if it doesn't work then
We will have 2 IVFs starting August 2010
There will be no other specialist attempts to get pregnant. Of course having unprotected sex doesn't count because we all know that doesn't work anyway.
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